Childhood Isn’t Just What Happened, It’s What Was Felt
Childhood isn’t a list of events—it’s a lived experience. One that’s stored in the emotional brain and nervous system, not as words or memories, but as felt truths about love, safety, and belonging.
These early emotional imprints are held in what neuroscience calls our implicit memory systems. They record how safe we felt, how seen we were, and what we learned to expect from others. When a child senses that connection is conditional, inconsistent, or unsafe, the nervous system responds by adapting to survive.
These adaptations are known as attachment wounds—deep, body-held emotional “blueprints” that shape how we relate to ourselves and others. They're not signs of brokenness, but signs of protection.
As psychologist Dr. Jonice Webb notes, even subtle emotional neglect or misattunement in childhood can leave invisible scars that shape our adult lives.
Why It’s About Feeling, Not Just Facts
Trauma isn’t defined by how “bad” something looks on the outside. It’s defined by how unsafe something felt on the inside.
When caregivers are inconsistent, rejecting, emotionally unavailable, or unfair, a child’s brain encodes that experience through the amygdala and stress circuits. These emotional “maps” become templates for future relationships.
That’s why someone who “had a roof over their head” can still carry deep relational pain—because what was missing (attunement, protection, repair) is often more impactful than what was present.
These patterns don’t live in the thinking mind. They live in the body.
The 4 Core Attachment Wounds
1. Abandonment: The Fear That “I Will Be Left”
How it forms:
When a child experiences emotional absence—whether through physical absence, neglect, or inconsistency—their nervous system learns that love is fragile. This wound is often subtle, formed by caregivers who were physically present but emotionally unavailable.
Encoded meaning:
“Love disappears. I must cling to it or lose it.”
In adulthood:
Fear of separation or rejection
Reassurance-seeking, clinginess, or emotional withdrawal
Belief: “If I get close, I’ll be left.”
Somatic cues:
Tight chest, stomach knots when alone
Hyperactivation of the attachment system (text checking, emotional scanning)
In relationships:
Abandonment wounds can lead to a cycle of craving closeness, fearing it, and pushing people away—confirming the very fear we’re trying to avoid.
2. Rejection: The Pain That “I Am Not Chosen”
How it forms:
Rejection wounds stem from feeling unwanted, judged, or emotionally dismissed—often by caregivers or peers. It can come from chronic subtle exclusion, shame, or invalidation.
Encoded meaning:
“Who I am isn’t good enough.”
In adulthood:
People-pleasing, self-censorship, fear of judgment
Belief: “If people see the real me, they’ll leave.”
Somatic cues:
Numbness, throat tightness, collapse posture
Shame-driven shutdowns
In relationships:
These patterns often lead to self-abandonment, hiding emotions, or avoiding closeness altogether to avoid rejection—making true intimacy hard to access.
3. Betrayal: The Trauma of Trust Broken Too Soon
How it forms:
Betrayal wounds occur when caregivers lie, manipulate, or emotionally misattune—breaking the implicit promise of safety. This might include broken trust, parentification, or emotional neglect masked by love.
Encoded meaning:
“Even people I trust will hurt me.”
In adulthood:
Control issues, jealousy, emotional volatility
Belief: “If I don’t protect myself, I’ll be betrayed again.”
Somatic cues:
Fight/flight responses, jaw clenching, muscle tension
Heightened sensitivity to relational ruptures
In relationships:
These wounds often cause quick mistrust, emotional shutdowns, or rigid boundaries. Trust becomes a trigger rather than a comfort.
4. Injustice: The Hurt of Unfairness and Lack of Empathy
How it forms:
This wound develops when a child is treated unfairly, harshly judged, or held to unrealistic expectations. There’s often a lack of empathy or attunement from authority figures. Children in unjust environments often become “the strong one,” the perfectionist, or the peacekeeper.
Encoded meaning:
“The world is unfair. I must perform to be safe or loved.”
In adulthood:
Perfectionism, self-criticism, emotional constriction
Belief: “If I’m not perfect, I’ll be punished or rejected.”
Somatic cues:
Postural rigidity, shallow breath, tension in shoulders and jaw
Freeze responses during feedback or conflict
In relationships:
Those with this wound often carry emotional labor, over-apologize, or feel solely responsible for harmony. Vulnerability may feel unsafe or “unearned.”
Attachment Wounds Live in the Body
In somatic approaches like Hakomi or Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, we understand that these wounds are stored not just as memories but as body sensations, emotional reflexes, and implicit beliefs. They live in muscle tension, posture, breath, and even eye contact.
Jonice Webb calls this emotional deprivation “running on empty”—where adults don’t necessarily remember being unloved, but feel chronically disconnected from emotional fulfillment.
Healing requires more than insight. It requires new experiences that reach the body’s implicit memory—the place where the wound was first stored.
What These Wounds Cost—And What They’re Trying to Protect
Attachment wounds are not personality flaws. They are mind-body survival strategies that helped a child stay safe, accepted, or invisible in a chaotic world.
But as adults, these same strategies often create:
Emotional reactivity or shutdown
Difficulty with closeness and trust
Inner criticism, shame, or confusion
Relationship patterns that repeat the past
The good news? These are learned patterns. And what’s learned can be unlearned—with the right support.
Healing Through Safe Relationship and Somatic Psychotherapy
Healing doesn’t mean “getting over it.” It means experiencing what was never available before: safe connection, emotional permission, and being fully seen.
Attachment wounds aren’t just thoughts about self—they’re visceral reactions that need to be met with compassion, consistency, and body-based repair.
Somatic therapy, EMDR, IFS, and other experiential approaches help access and reprocess these patterns at the root—so the system can release them, not just talk about them.
When You’re Ready to Heal
Understanding your wounds is a brave beginning. You don’t have to do the rest alone.
At A Time To Heal, we work with the nervous system, not against it. Through compassionate, body-based psychotherapy, we help clients feel safe in their emotions, their relationships, and their sense of self.
